Monday, September 16, 2013

Painful Day.

I have had a very rough month with my IC pain.  Today I feel like giving up.  I'm sitting in my bed under my heating pad as usual for this time of day.  I need to be up cleaning and interacting more with my daughter.  But I just can't.  My pain is at about a level 8 right now.  The stabbing pains that I get periodically are constant this morning.  They aren't stopping.   I've taken all of my medications and they don't even seem to work anymore.  I am feeling a range of emotions. 

 I feel anxiety.  I have so much to do and want to do and this pain and urinary frequency keep me from doing so many things.  

 I feel sad.  Why is all of this happening to me?  Why do my daughters have to see their mother sitting in bed so often and getting grumpy because the pain has worn her out?  I am only 36 years old!!!  This should be a healthy time in my life when I can enjoy doing outside activities!!  I used to enjoy riding my Schwinn beach cruiser around with my family who all love to ride bmx.  We would all go to the skate park together or for a ride around the lake.  Not anymore.  I can't even make it to the end of the street before I get shooting pain in my pelvic area.  

I feel ANGRY.  I want my life back!  I can't have a sexual relationship with my husband.  Well not a good one anyway.  I try to just as I like to put it "sacrifice" my pain so I can make him happy as often as I can on better days.  He is very supportive but I know it's not exactly what he had in mind when he married me.  We had a great sex life and now it's once a week if things are feeling ok.  Mostly, it's once in a blue moon though.  He makes remarks sometimes, which I know are meant as a joke, but they hurt.  I want him to feel fulfilled and happy.  But the pain that follows is nearly unbearable and worsens my constant pain for days.  It's almost like: Ok I'm going to have sex today but I will be bedridden for the next 4 days.  What do I have planned for those days?  It's miserable and frustrating.  

I feel under cared for.  It's terrible going from doctor to doctor to find help and having them look at you like this is all in your head and having them tell you they really can't help you.  The urologist I went to even told me it was pelvic floor dysfunction, which I am sure it's not.  She sent me to physical therapy and that just made the pain worse.  My current doctor did diagnose it as IC and referred me to a UroGynecologist. They tend to specialize more in the pelvic floor conditions including IC.  But I have been bleeding for a month and waiting until that ends so I can make an appointment with them.  I just want to find someone that understands my pain and suffering.  Because I am suffering and so is my precious family!  

God, I just want to scream!!  The pain is so bad!!  As tears roll down my face, I can only pray at this point for God to ease this pain.  Lead me to someone who can actually help me.  Give me the strength I need to get through this day.  And the ability to understand why I am going through this.  I know you have a purpose for this.  

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.