Remembering "Twice the Blessing"

This morning I got up and got the twins off to school.  They are finally getting pretty good about putting together their own clothes the night before and getting ready on their own.  That is so helpful!!  Even doing their own hair!!  That also means they are growing up on me :(  It is "think college Thursday" at their school so Natalie chose to wear my Texas Longhorns t-shirt.  She tied it in a little knot with a pony tail holder and felt like her fashion statement had been made.  Gillian wanted nothing to do with the college theme day so she chose her "I win some, You lose some" t-shirt and some shorts all bedazzled with cute bright prints and jewels.  Off they went looking cute as can be.  I crawled back into bed with Sophie who was sleeping soundly and I watched her sleep.  The precious look of a toddler sleeping with their eyes closed and mouth open is priceless.  I could hear her breathing in and out and smell her sweet breath.  I remember doing that with the twins.  That is when I could actually catch them sleeping at the same time. ;)  Seems like just yesterday.  That was 9 years ago!!  Well 6 when they were Sophie's age.  Still I can't believe how time has flown by.  I look back and realize I cannot remember a whole heck of a lot about the twins being 3.  Makes me a little sad.  Times were just so chaotic back then.  I had 2 little vibrant and energetic girls running in opposite directions in the house and it was all I could do to attempt to keep up with them and keep them out of trouble and harms way!!  I can look at pictures and that brings back memories.  They now love looking at those pics with me and talking about what they were up to at the time.  How Natalie never smiled until she was about 3.  How Gillian always had this goofy smile on her face and these crazy curls that never quite fell right.  We laugh and laugh.  These are my memories of that time with them.  Stories of me telling them how busy they kept me and how I never had my hair done, the house was always a wreck,  and I had to shower with them looking at me with the curtain pulled back.  I was never alone.  I did work during that time.  So I guess that was my get away.  But coming home from work and picking them up from their Grandmother's house was always a joyful time.  They were so excited to see me.  I wish I could go back to that time, knowing what I know now and make sure I stayed calm and patient and didn't get overwhelmed so that I could take the time to pay attention to every detail of their little exciting lives.  I am grateful now that I can do that with Sophie.  I remember every detail of her life since she was born.  I have made sure to really just stay calm and soak all of this in.  I take tons of pictures of her and have since the day she was born.  I love being able to stay at home with her.  I wasn't able to with the twins.  Yes, we could certainly use the extra income, but this time is priceless.  She will be my last child.  I will never again have a 3 year old that is learning to talk, learning the ABC song, running around for no reason just giggling her little head off and waving her chunky hands in the air.  This time I am doing it right..that's what I tell myself.  This is the way I wanted to do it with the twins but never had the chance.  I remember going to the grocery store with the twins and I couldn't use a shopping cart because I couldn't get both of them in there in their carriers and still have room for groceries, so I would just take them in their double stroller which had a pretty big compartment in it and put my things in there.  Every isle I went down had some lady that would stop me and ask if they were twins.  Me in my messy hair tied up in a bandanna and my thrift store clothes and flip flops would think "are you kidding me right now, no I just had 2 babies years apart and they are exactly the same size!!!  REALLY??"  LOL.  I used to get so annoyed by that!!  I was exhausted.  Not mean, just very, very tired.  And it made for a very LOOONNNNGGG trip to the grocery store.  But every person that ever stopped me to look at them told me I was given "twice the blessing".  At the time I laughed inside and thought to myself, "yeh..haha..twice the LACK OF SLEEP!!"  Looking back now, I can finally say that they were right.  It was twice the blessing.  I had 2 beautiful, healthy babies that loved me.  Some women would give their right arm just to have one child.  Those annoying old women were right on.  And here I am now with a 3rd little blessing.  Thank you God for every moment of chaos, for every tear I shed locked in the bathroom, for every time I got thrown up on during Natalie's colic days, for every night I stayed up all night feeding and rocking and singing, for every sickness they got that I nursed them through, for every sickness I had that I never thought I would make it through without the rest I needed to get well.  Thank you God for my 3 little blessings.  I must have done something right in my life to deserve this.  And to all of those women who I gave a tired dirty look to when they wanted to see the miracle I was pushing along, I am sorry for not being more hospitable.

My little blessings

Daddy looking a little frightened!!

this was the first time I took them outside.  They had jaundice so I had to bring them outside as often as I could

Gillian dressed in up in my clothes

Natalie in Daddy's cowboy hat

I think they were about 2 here

The twins holding Sophie in the hostpital

Intro to me

Well hi there!  My name is Lauren and I am a mother of 3 girls.  9 yr old twins and a 3 year old.  I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly.  My life may seem perfect as I realize that I am truly blessed.  However, as we all know, no life is perfect.  I have my own problems as everyone does.  I set up this blog as a way to talk about it all and get it out as I tend to bottle things up and then it just explodes and I look like a crazy woman!!  I have always kept journals so this seems natural.  Now having people actually read these is a little unsettling.  But here we go.  I don't even know if these will be read.  In that case I have a new way to keep a private journal!!  It's a win win for me :) 
     I think of myself as a good mother with a lot to learn.  I think of myself as a good wife but not a perfect one.  I'm not Donna Reed or the perfect housewife.  I am emotional. I am a little crazy.  I lose patience.  I laugh at things that are sad sometimes.  I cry for no reason sometimes and that feels wonderful.  I get extremely overwhelmed as a mom and wife ALL the time and then get mad at myself for it.  But yet I am very proud after all that I have been through to be where I am now and I think I am doing a good job at what God has given me to do.  I do my best and that's all I can do right?  
     Ok, here is my medical issue.  Well I should say issues.  I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and have had that since being a teenager.  I have recently been diagnosed with chronic pelvic pain syndrome and interstitial cystitis.  The pelvic pain started during my pregnancy with my 3rd child who was a very large baby.  It progressively got worse and about a year and a half ago it became so bad that I could not get out of bed. The pain was constant and I finally decided I had to seek treatment.  With no insurance and not much extra money as we are a single income household, that was not an easy road to go down. After starting out with an OBGYN at a low cost clinic and ruling out a couple of possibilities for the pain, she suggested surgery.  I decided to get a second opinion and found myself at another clinic that was able to send me to get a low cost ultrasound of my pelvic area.  Everything came up normal there.  They told me I could possibly have IC. Interstitial Cystitis for those of you who are not familiar is a chronic bladder condition that is hard to diagnose and hard to treat.  It is also incurable. www.ichelp.org Anyway I will refer to it as IC throughout this blog.  Well after a year and a half of going to doctors and emergency rooms with no insurance I was just forced to manage the pain only.  I have noticed that doctors do not like dealing with IC.  They are all very quick to pass you on to someone else.  And when you ask for pain medications they look at you like a drug addict.  That was frustrating to me because I really was in extreme pain and there was nothing anyone could do about it.  I had cut out a lot of bladder irritants but the pain pretty much hung around through everything I tried.  Finally a year later we were able to get insurance through my husbands company and I went to see a urologist who told me I could possibly have IC but it may also be pelvic floor dysfunction.  She sent me to a physical therapist.  I am in the beginning stages of that process now.  No relief so far :(  My primary care doctor who was also treating my anxiety told me he was sure it was IC and to go back to the urologist and request a cystoscopy.    http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/cystoscopy-16692  Not sure what happened to my font here but oh well...I tried to fix it.  Blah!!! 
Tangents are another thing you will see on my blog!!  Ha!!  Anyway, I am waiting to make the appointment for that.  It costs money that insurance will not cover all of so I am waiting to come up with that.  That will give a firm diagnosis of IC.  That doctor also decided to take me off of my anxiety medication all together and made me feel like I was beneath him.  This was a doctor in a clinic that I began to see during the time when I was uninsured.  I think his respect for women was a little non-existent.  I just saw a new doctor yesterday and was very pleased.  My 3 yr old was with me and he was very patient with her as she was climbing all over the place and kept chatting while he and I were talking about my condition and treatments.  I am laughing just thinking about it!  Silly Sophie.  That's her name.  You'll get to know her pretty well.  So the new doctor, who I will call Dr T., put me back on my anti anxiety medication and also added some things he thought would help with both conditions.  He gave me a prescription for lexapro, which is for depression and anxiety and works very well when combined with your regular anxiety medications.   He also gave me a strong anti-inflammatory which combined with the tramadol I have been on is supposed to work well.  So today is day 1 of this treatment route.  I guess I started this to keep track of how well the treatments are working and how I feel day to day.  Can't hurt right?  As I said, no one will read this I'm sure.  But if you do and you find it remotely interesting then thank you for reading and if you want to send any comments I think that you can.   Right?  You can comment on here, I assume.  This is all new to me.  
     By the way, I am 36.  I adore my kids and I'm going to post some pics of my family because I am proud of them and they are a part of me.  After all, this is designed to let you, any readers that may be out there, let you know about my life..."The Life of Lauren" :)